Shadows Of The Past
by Detective Olivia Stabler
Summary: It had been nearly thirteen years that they had worked side by side. Then one day she looked back & he was gone. Now Olivia is left alone with feelings of guilt, hurt & abandonment as she seeks the answers she needs to find some closure. Knowing the secret she holds inside could be the one thing that brings him back to her forever.
1. 1) Into Thin Air

_Shadows Of The Past_

_(Chapter One: Into Thin Air)_

Olivia stood on the sidewalk staring at the real estate sign in the yard. Leaves rustled around her and the sign creaked a bit as it moved with the wind. Her body trembled as the breeze blew through her long dark hair, as if the iron hand of a stranger had reached out and touched her face.

Fall seemed to have come early this year and the sting of the icy air in her lungs made it clear that winter wasn't far behind. She scanned her eyes over the house once more. This place that once was home to a family, a husband and wife and their five children, now stood almost ghostly and eerily empty.

It had been an especially long weekend. And in this case long meant no sleep what so ever for over thirty six hours and counting. That's when it happened. Push came to shove and a decision had to be made. A choice that fell on the shoulders of her partner. The choice to draw his weapon and shoot. A decision that would cause him an Internal Affairs investigation and, though it was a clean shooting, convince Elliot to resign from the NYPD and the Special Victims Unit.

Olivia was completely shocked when Cragen called her into his office to break the news of Elliot's resignation to her. It felt as if someone had punched her hard in the stomach, leaving her unable to even breathe for just a moment. Her partner and best friend of nearly thirteen years, had given up and chose to walk away rather than fight. But the most shocking part was that he had done so without even talking it over with Olivia. Until this point they had shared everything, always. She would have never imagined him making a career ending decision like this one without at least asking her opinion first, until now.

Apparently the man she thought she had known so well all of this time, turned out to be someone she barely knew at all. The Elliot she knew would never give up without a fight. The Elliot she knew was the one who had kept her going so many times when she, herself was ready to give up and throw in the towel. But the Elliot she knew was gone now.


	2. 2) Gone

_Shadows Of The Past_

_(Chapter Two: Gone)_

Olivia sat at her desk staring down at her desk and feeling just a bit betrayed. How could he not tell her? How could he just not say anything at all and disappear like this?

She picked up her cell phone and pressed the send button to call his sell phone once more. Tears raised behind her brown eyes as she listened to the tone and the words of the message.

"_I'm sorry, but the number you have dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Please check the number and try your call again_," she mumbled softly with the voice as the words echoed in her head.

She exhaled and dropped the phone on the desk in front of her.

"You okay?" Fin asked as he sat down in front of her.

"That's Elliot's chair," she mumbled under her breath.

"Gone? What do you mean gone?" Munch asked as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

"I mean for sale sign in the front yard, gone. Gone," she clarified.

"And he didn't say anything to you?" he asked.

"Not a word," she said softly.

"Him leaving is definitely a loss for our department. Stabler was a damn fine cop. If he had just stuck it out a little longer, I am sure he would have pulled through this investigation just fine and things would have gotten back to normal. I really wish he had just waited it out."

"Things haven't been normal around here in a long time," Olivia clarified as she stared at her friend.

"Maybe not. But he knows we would have gone to bat for him. Every one of us. We all had his back," he assured her.

"Yeah," she said softly as she moved to the coffee pot and made herself a cup of tea.

She turned around to watch as Munch disappeared down the hall and went on about his day. It was hard to believe how everyone else could just go on like something big hadn't just happened here, like all of this hadn't just taken place and a large piece of their work family wasn't gone now. For her, this place would never be the same.

She blinked and could feel his stare burning into her as she shifted her eyes to meet Fin's.

"What?" she asked.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine, why wouldn't I be?"

"Okay," he replied shrugging his shoulders, "keep telling yourself that."

Olivia wrinkled an eyebrow to stare back at him.

"What are you talking about?"

"You miss him."

"He was my partner, we spent every moment of the last twelve and a half years side by side. Of course I miss him."

"But there's more."

"Fin, if you have something to say just come out and say it," she snapped just a bit over defensive before she realized she'd done it.

"It's okay to be upset, you know? He just walked away without a word…without an explanation. After twelve years he could have at least given you the courtesy of a phone call."

She sat back down at her desk and blew softly across the cup of hot liquid in her hands.

"I keep thinking he is going to walk through that door and this was all some kind of joke. I can't help but feel like I have done something seriously wrong. Something so bad he felt he had to get away from me, to leave and not look back," she said softly as a tear rolled down her cheek. Who does this?" she whispered, wiping her face with the back of her sleeve. "Who just picks up their entire life after twelve years and disappears without a trace? Without even saying goodbye? If he had said he hated me, it would have been something."

"I'm sure that isn't the case. You are his best friend. What reason would he have to hate you?"

Olivia shook her head.

"I went over there to talk to him. To try and get some kind of explanation from him and just make sure he was okay. I just wanted to check on him. I tried to call him on the way and his phone had been disconnected. I thought maybe he just got a new number or something, not work related."

"But they were gone?"

"It was like they had never even lived there. That house looks so empty. I feel….I feel….almost betrayed. I mean, I know he didn't really betray me, but that is kind of how it feels. He left me here, with all of these questions and no answers. Without a word. And I feel….abandoned. It just hurts. I don't know how to explain it. And maybe I have no right to feel this way, but I can't help it."

"You are hurt, Liv. He let you down."

She took a deep breath and exhaled.

"I just wish I could talk to him. Just hear it from him. I think that would bring me the closure I'd need to help me to better accept this. But I can't talk to him. I don't know where he is and I don't even have any way to find him."

"That's not necessarily true," fin replied sliding a business card across the desk to her.

Olivia picked up the card and read it carefully.

"The real estate agent?" she asked raising her eyes to look at him.

"House is for sale, right? So they must have some way to contact the current owners. And it just so happens my girlfriend and I are looking to buy," he replied with a devious grin as he took her hand in his. "Queens sounds perfect. What do you think, honey?"

"You want me to pretend to be your girlfriend and lie our way into viewing the house to act like we want to buy it?"

"Consider it an undercover assignment. And our only shot at tracking Elliot down."

"Fin, what if Elliot doesn't want to be tracked down?"

"Then he can tell us that when we find him and we won't ever bother him again."

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Closure. You said it yourself. You just need to talk to him."

"Okay," she replied with the slightest bit of hope in her heart.


	3. 3) Love Game

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**_

_Sorry about all of the typos in the copy I originally posted. I have revised and think I caught most of them. I guess maybe typing an update at 3:45 am is not the best idea I have ever had. LOL. In any case, hope you enjoy! Thanks for checking it out! Please remember to review!~ Detective Olivia Stabler ~_

_Shadows Of The Past_

_(Chapter Three: Love Game)_

"This house has four bedrooms and a fenced in back yard," the woman said and Olivia got lost in thoughts of the family who used to reside here. "Perfect place to start a new family," she said with an insisting smile.

"Well, I promised Boo Boo Bear I would buy her a house just as soon as she said yes. Didn't I, sweetness?" Fin replied obviously having a bit more fun on this mission than Olivia was.

Olivia stared at him mortified not sure if she was going to burst into laughter or throw up in her mouth.

"That's right, Shnookums," she replied with a smile. "You sure did."

"And there is a room upstairs that would be just divine for a nursery," the realtor added as they followed her up the stairway.

"We definitely need one of those," Fin added snaking his arms around her waist and laying it on thick. "We've been practicing a lot. Huh, Sugar Kitten?"

"We sure have, Poopsie," she replied playfully stroking his face and rubbing her nose against his giving him a dose of his own medicine.

After looking the house over for a second time, Olivia insisted on seeing the back yard once more.

"You go ahead baby," he replied almost fearing what she might call him next. "I'm gonna take this call. My boy John, it's important business," he insisted excusing himself and walking toward the front door as Olivia followed the realtor out the back.

There he dropped his phone back into his pocket and happened to notice some letters in the mail box.

"What is this?" he asked looking around to make sure no one was watching before slipping one of the letters into his inside jacket pocket and putting the others back.

He moved quietly back inside to look for any clues that may help them in finding Elliot. Upstairs he found a receipt for a Budget rental truck crumpled and laying in the floor of the master bedroom closet. Fin studied it only for a second before hearing voices downstairs. He tucked the slip of paper into his pocket and made his way down the hall. Ducking into the bathroom he flushed the toilet before descending the stairs to meet them in the kitchen.

"Whoo," he called out as he returned to Olivia's side. "I guess I shouldn't have had those two bean burritos for lunch. I just blew it up! Girl, don't go in there," he warned as the woman stared at him with wild eyes.

"What do you think babe?" Olivia asked slipping into his arms. "Should we make an offer?"

"I don't know. On second thought we should probably get something with a few more bedrooms for all that baby making we'll be doing. I figure at least six or seven."

"Or eight," she squealed in excitement. "Oh, baby, I think maybe we should go now."

"Now?"

"Umm," she giggled. "Right now."

"We'll call you," Fin said hoisting Olivia up over his shoulder as she let out a playful scream. "I'm telling you I just cannot get enough of this girl," he said smacking her on the ass as he carried her toward the door. "Must be all the excitement of the wedding coming up," he replied as he stepped off the porch and carried her across the street.

Olivia laughed so hard she snorted and thought she was going to pee her pants as Fin dropped her into the passenger seat of her black SUV.

"Did you see her face?" Fin asked looking in the rear view mirror at the older woman standing on the porch.

Olivia laughed again.

"We scared the hell out of her. So what did Munch say when he called?" she asked.

"He didn't. I just needed an excuse to break away and check out the house without her staring over my shoulder. And by the way you suck at creativity in the pet name department. Shnookums? Poopsie? What are you, ninety years old?"

"Oh," she protested with a laugh, "like your names were much better. Sugar kitten? And what the hell is a Boo Boo Bear anyway?"

"My favorite toy as a kid was my bear named Boo Boo. All snuggly and cute, I didn't go anywhere without him and slept with him every night until I was ten." The stare she gave him said she was obviously unable to relate. "It's a term of endearment."

"At least my pet names didn't actually insult any animals," she replied raising an eyebrow in suspicion at the sweeter side of the thug-like detective she had know for years. "Did you find anything useful?"

"I didn't see much," he replied and she looked disappointed. "But I found this in the floor of the bedroom closet."

"A rental car receipt?" she asked looking confused.

"No, a moving truck. And it has the VIN number listed in the corner. I can pull a few strings and maybe find out where that truck was returned."

"They could be anywhere."

"I'm guessing somewhere warm, with lots of sunshine."

"They moved, Fin. They're not on vacation."

"I found this in the mail box," he replied handing her the letter.

"Maureen Sta….it is brochure for Florida State University, this isn't even Elliot's."

"Look closer," he replied pointing to the corner of the envelope. "It is from the accounting department. My guess is a bill for tuition."

"A receipt," Olivia corrected him. "Paid with Elliot's American Express card. Do you really think this is where they went?"

"Oldest daughter is moving off to college….if they are looking to relocate anyway, why not go with her?"

"Kathy had family somewhere in Florida."

"Tallahassee, maybe?" Fin suggested.

Back at work, Olivia tried hard to concentrate, but there was no use. A certain blue eyed former partner of hers had her heart and her mind all tied up in knots. As difficult as it was to walk around in the house he had made a home with Kathy all of those years it was disgustingly comforting and made her feel somewhat closer to him at the same time. She hated that he had this kind of hold on her, a certain control that she had never allowed anyone else to have.

She sat there trying hard to remember the moment when she had relinquished every ounce of self respect and become so….addicted to a man that seemed to have little to no interest in her. It was pathetic really, she suddenly realized. When she actually took the time to think about it, it seemed almost as if she were getting what she herself had been guilty of dishing out a number of the male suitors over the last few years. What goes around, it seemed had infact come back around.

Olivia had been so wrapped up in her career that she'd had very little time for dating. But being a mere human being she often felt the need for a little….companionship. She had a way of making a designer knock off dress look smashing, if she did say so herself. And on a good night she could turn every head in the room the second she walked in. She loved the way it felt to have every eye in the room looking at her. Well, the eye of everyone with an ounce of testosterone and a pulse.

It didn't usually take long for the lioness to spot her prey. To select the target of tonight's hunt and separate him from the rest of the hurd. She would toy with him for a while, then when she was '_hungry'_ enough, she would take him home and devour him. Feeling nothing but maximum satisfaction in the end.

Unfortunately, the prey didn't always cooperate. Funny, she thought how grown men didn't seem fully aware of the guidelines of a one night stand. There was at least a time or when two a roses did appear and phone calls were made. Olivia would leave work at 3am to find her handsome stranger standing beside her car with flowers and a bottle of wine, begging for her attention. For weeks he would follow her around like a lost puppy refusing to get the message she was trying so desperately to send, until she was forced to deliver the _'it's not you, it's me' _speech in hopes of detouring further unwanted affections. She could always see the disappointment and heartache in their eyes.

That was the all too familiar look she now saw in her own eyes, she thought as she carefully studied the way her pupils adjusted to the reflection of light in her compact mirror.

"Everything alright over here?" Fin asked taking a seat at the now empty desk across from her, once occupied by Detective Stabler.

"Yea," she replied closing the device in her palm, "just checking my makeup."

"I got the information you needed on the vehicle in that a….case we were working on earlier," he said looking around them to see if anyone was listening to their conversation.

"Fin, no one cares," she reminded him.

"They find out we did this we could both be in a world of trouble."

"You put out an APB on the truck? What did you find out?"

"Naw, see that would be illegal since the vehicle in question is not actually needed for an active case."

"What did you find?" she asked again taking the piece of paper from his hand and looking it over.

"The truck was infact returned to a Budget center in Tallahassee, Florida last week. And the address listed on the original rental record is a local one."

"Queens?"

"No, Florida," he replied pointing to the name and address at the top of the page.

"That is Elliot's signature," she pointed out. "So if you didn't run the truck, how _did_ you get this?" she asked almost afraid of the answer.

"I ran the receipt. The confirmation number for the truck reservation is right there. I googled the phone number for the company. Told them I wanted to turn the rental in as a business expense and I misplaced my copy of the agreement I signed. The girl working the desk explained that the confirmation number doubles as the account number and when I punched it in on their website it brought up a scanned copy of the rental agreement, complete with address and phone number. You've got him, Liv."

"I do," she agreed suddenly finding it hard to breathe. "Thank you, Fin."

"You owe me big time," he joked as she stared at the paper in her fingertips.

"I owe you?" she asked pulling a quick trip back from La La Land. "I am going to have your hand print on my ass for at least a week. I owe you?"

Fin laughed remembering the wild look in her eyes when he scooped her up off her feet.

"We'll call it even," he agreed with a smile.


	4. 4) Distractions

_Shadows Of The Past_

_(Chapter Four: Distractions)_

Olivia stared out the window as she poured herself a cup of coffee.

"Careful now," Munch said appearing behind her with a handful of paper towels.

"Sorry," she said with a yawn. "Guess I wasn't paying attention."

"Eighteen hour shifts will do that to ya," Fin announced taking the coffee pot from her hand to pour himself a cup. "You know, I've got this. Why don't you skip the coffee break and take a nap in the cribs."

"No way! I have been interrogating this guy for the last twelve hours and he is about to crack, I can feel it. And if you think I am going to let you take all the credit, you've got another thing coming," she replied with a smirk.

"Alright," he agreed shaking his head. "You keep the lead. But I'll have to admit by the look on his face he's never been spoken to by a woman with authority before. You've got him shaken up, he's not really sure what to make of you. And after two weeks of no leads, this just might be the angle we needed to bust this wide open."

"If he doesn't tell us where Cheryl's body is, we have no case," Munch reminded him as they both shot glares in his direction. "Just sayin'."

"He's right," Casey announced as she entered the room. "The D.A. has given you until the end of the day to find some piece of evidence that proves he killed her or we are dropping the charges."

"We put him in that room, Casey! CSU found his finger prints in the victim's blood in her house," Olivia argued.

"I realize that. But this is an election year and he's playing hardball."

"In other words it's all about appearances, not evidence," Munch clarified.

"He only wants slam dunk cases," Fin agreed. "And he wants us to do all the footwork."

"Wrap it up in a pretty little package with a big bow on top and drop it into his hands! Casey, this is a rape/homicide case! There is never anything pretty about this. Can't you talk some sense into him?" Olivia asked.

"What do you think I have been doing all morning? Kissing high profile political ass and trying to buy us an extension on this case." She blinked and shook her head. "I even agreed to be judge Tulley's date to the Black and White ball next year."

"Judge Tulley is older than Munch," Fin said with a look of disgust as Munch frowned at him.

"What's your point?" John Munch asked with a glare.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Casey replied in self defense, "so I took one for the team. I have pulled every string I can reach and it just isn't enough. I am out of favors and with out a slam dunk, this case is a big ugly scar on a political campaign. I am sorry guys, I have done all I can do. There is no other way. Without a body, we no longer have a case."

Casey followed the team around the corner to stare at the suspect through the two way glass.

"And Cheryl and her family will never get justice," Olivia said softly.

"Let's go over it again," Casey suggested.

"Cheryl Jensen, thirty six, twelfth grade Advanced English teacher…..apparently had been having an affair with Blake Thomas, quarterback, AKA the only suspect in this case," Fin clarified.

"You said this was a rape case? I don't see any rape charges in the file," Casey replied flipping through the pages in her hand.

"Rape, because Blake is only sixteen years old," Olivia replied.

"You can't fight both sides of this battle, Olivia. Either he is a suspect or he is a victim."

"Maybe he is both, Casey. He is a kid who has been having sex with his adult teacher, that makes him a victim."

"And if he snapped and killed her because of it, then he is a murderer," Casey clarified.

"I just don't want to fight dirty. If he did it, then he did it. If he didn't, even better. Either way, the boy in that room is still a victim of sexual abuse, even if he doesn't realize it!"

Casey exhaled knowing Olivia was right.

"You ruled out the husband?" Casey asked shifting the focus of the discussion.

"Husband was on a red eye headed back to New York. Flight records from both airports confirm that. His plane didn't land until around 3a.m. he reached their residence around four, 911 call reporting Cheryl missing came in around 4:15," Munch read off the report.

"That, right there…." Olivia began as her caffeine began to take effect helping her to think more clearly. "He gets home at four and finds the house shows signs of distress with blood everywhere and it takes him fifteen minutes to call for help? Does that sound strange to anyone else?"

"He was questioned about that. He said he dropped the bags at the door…." Casey began.

"Where they were found," Munch checked against the report.

"And he searched the house for his wife. After checking the house, garage and back yard with no results, he called 911."

"Are we sure it wasn't staged?" Munch asked. "Maybe wifey just decided she didn't want anything to do with her husband or teenaged lover anymore. Especially if anyone had found out they were sleeping together, she would have been branded a pedophile and that doesn't look so hot on a job resume for a high school teacher."

"That's good," Olivia said thinking about the scenario for a moment. "This kid swears he is in love with her. That would have made it a little hard to just break things off. And we have already learned that hubby dearest filed for divorce two days before he reported her missing."

"But if she left peacefully….if she just got up and walked away from her life how did her blood get all over that house?" Casey asked.

"There is no way anyone loses that much blood and walks out on anyone. My gut still says we're looking for a body," Fin replied.

"And the only prints we found belonged to Blake?" Casey asked.

"The only ones in blood," Olivia replied.

"The prints of the husband and cleaning lady were lifted also, but they were expected. And they were no where near the blood. Boyfriend left a bloody partial on a wall near the foot of the stairs and a perfect print on the hardwood floor beside a large pool of the victim's blood. He was definitely in that room with Cheryl," Munch explained.

"But was she alive?" Casey asked. "Can we prove that he hurt her or had anything to do with her disappearance? What happened in that room? And where is she now? Dead or alive….we have to find out. What's your feeling on this?" she asked staring back at the group.

"The kid did it," Munch said. "We just gotta prove it."

"He definitely knows more than he is telling us," Fin agreed.

"He was in that room, yes. But I don't know that he killed her," Olivia said.

"I thought he was a scared little victim?" Casey asked.

"He was a victim," Fin clarified. "Being under age and having sex with an adult made him a victim. But he was also a teenaged guy. Hot teacher, maybe someone he'd had a crush on and now she is all over him. And he's getting sex. Not from teenaged girls, but from a woman a married woman at that….and a teacher who is definitely off limits, but all the other guys fantasize about. That is a dream come true to a teenaged guy."

"He loved her Casey," Olivia replied softly placing her palm against the glass and watching the badass jock inside cry like a scared little boy. "She had him convinced she was leaving her husband and they were going to runaway together. Then with the divorce papers….he probably figured he'd just won the jackpot. If there is one thing that I do know about teenaged guys, it's that they often still think like a kid. He was naïve and believed her."

"Maybe whatever was said between them in that room ruined his little fairytale," Munch injected. "He finds out about the divorce and assumes they are home free. Then Cheryl drops the bomb that she doesn't want to be with the husband or with him. Maybe she came to her senses and realized how much damage she could do by sleeping with a kid. And maybe he snapped and killed her when he realized he wasn't going to ride off into the sunset with her."

"There are a lot of maybes here," Casey said. "We have to find out what went on in that room or this case is going to fall apart."

She stood silently as Fin and Olivia walked back into the interrogation room for round two with their only suspect.

**TWELVE HOURS LATER….**

Olivia leaned against her desk and watched as Cragen shook the hand of Blake Thomas' attorney and they walked out of the precinct.

"I cannot believe they are letting him walk," Munch said from behind her.

"We couldn't hold him," she said softly.

"If the stupid D.A. had backed off and let us do our jobs…."

"I don't know, Munch. The more we went over things the more I, myself, wasn't so sure he did it."

"You don't think Cheryl Jensen is dead?"

"Oh, I agree that she is dead. I am just not so sure he is the one who killed her. And if he is, we don't have enough evidence for a conviction yet. Maybe it is better he walks…."

"I cannot believe you said that," Munch replied cutting her off.

"Right now. If he goes to trial and is acquitted for any reason, double jeopardy keeps us from trying him again and he will get away with the murder forever. As it stands, this just gives us a little more time to get our details straight and our ducks in a row. And if he is infact innocent, it allows us time to find the real killer."

"Well, if it isn't the kid….I still like the husband for it. I'm gonna get in touch with airport security and see if we can get access to their surveillance video, I want to see that man getting on and off that plane."

"Good thinking," Olivia said with a tired smile.

"Not tonight," Cragen objected as the three detectives turned their attention to him. "You have all been here way too long. I want you to take the rest of the night off. Go home and get some sleep. You can pick this up in the morning with fresh eyes, fully rested. For now the charges have been dropped and there is nothing that cannot wait until tomorrow. No objections. Go."

Olivia removed her on duty weapon and locked it in her desk drawer, then headed for the locker room to get purse.

"It's still early, Liv," Munch said from across the bullpen. "We're gonna go grab a beer, you wanna come?"

"Thanks," she said waving him on, "I think I am just gonna go home, take a hot shower and crawl into bed."

"Or not," Fin said with a nod as she slipped on her coat and turned her eyes to see what he was looking at.

There in the doorway stood a tall dark and handsome man waiting for her.

"Hey," she said with a soft smile.

"Hey," he replied, his bad boy appearance not fooling anybody. "You forgot, didn't you?"

Olivia smiled and began to shake her head, trying desperately to remember what it was he was talking about.

"Date night," he said softly.

She closed her eyes in embarrassment as he approached her.

"You did forget."

"I did. I am so sorry."

"It's alright," he said with a smile as he kissed her tenderly. "We still have time to make our reservation, we can just do the movie after and catch the late show."

Olivia smiled nervously. She was so tired she felt like she could pass out right here, but she didn't want to break plans with him again.

"Okay," she agreed staring into his blue-green eyes. "I just need to…."her words trailed off as she pointed over her shoulder.

"Go ahead. I'll just wait in the car."

She smiled and gave him a nod as she watched him walk out. Then raised her hand hitting her forehead with her palm.

"I cannot believe I did this again!"

Fin laughed as he shook his head.

"It's been crazy around here," he offered up in her defense.

"He said a movie on Thursday. Is it Thursday?"

"It is and half way to Friday. But I can see how you'd get mixed up seeing as we came to work on Tuesday. Remind me again how this thing with you and Cassidy went down?"

"It's not a _thing_," she replied defensively. "We have just kind of been seeing each other for a couple of weeks now. You know for dinner and movies and….."

"And you are dating. It's a _thing_."

Olivia pressed her lips together and wrinkled her nose.

"Huh, I guess it is. But it wont be for long if I keep forgetting I made plans with him." She raised her eyes to meet her partner's. "Don't look at me like that."

"What? I'm just trying to keep up with your love life."

"Fin, I don't have a love life. I am desperately trying to, but I don't. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Please don't judge me. I know you have every right to, because I dragged you into this mess. I just don't know if I could take that."

"All I want is for you to be happy. Does Cassidy make you happy?"

"I honestly don't know," she confessed. "But he is a good guy and he is interested. Even after everything I put him through before, he is still interested."

"Everything that happened before?" Fin asked and she suddenly realized it wasn't Fin, but Elliot who had known about her one night stand with Cassidy years ago.

"He's waiting and I am already late. Can we talk about this later?"

"Have fun. Be safe and do stay up too late," Fin said with a nod. "Cragen will kill you if you don't get any sleep tonight.

He watched as Olivia slipped her purse strap over her shoulder and waved as she walked out the door.

"What are you thinking?" he asked as she shifted her eyes back to his.

Olivia smiled and twisted the stem of her wine glass between her finger tips.

"This place is beautiful."

"That wasn't it."

She laughed a little and took a sip of rich red wine.

"No it wasn't. I was just thinking about this case we are working."

He leaned forward at full attention.

"You don't want to hear about that," she said softly.

Brian reached across the table and placed his hand over hers.

"You can talk to me, you know?"

Olivia smiled.

"I know."

"I'm a cop, too. May be Narcotics now, but I have worked SVU and I get it. All of the terrible things….I have seen them too. And you can talk to me."

She exhaled and drew a deep breath.

"It has been our only case for a few days now. But we couldn't get enough evidence against the suspect and our time ran out. After two day straight in that interview room with the kid, we had to let him walk."

Brian smiled.

"Two days straight, huh?" he asked drawing little circles in her palm with his fingertip. "Would this be why you forgot about our plans tonight?"

"It is," she confessed. "I am so sorry about that."

"Don't be. I've been there. You sit in that room long enough the days all kind of run together and you lose track of time."

"It is nice that someone understands that," she said softly.

"This job is terrible on a dating life," he said and she watched as he raised her palm with his and pushed her fingers apart as his fell between them.

"Are you ready to order?" the waitress asked as he raised Olivia's hand to kiss it.

After dinner they sat at the table and talked for a while. Though Olivia fought hard to hid it, it wasn't hard for Brian to pick up on how tired she was.

In the car they sat kissing for a few moments as Olivia stared at him in the dark.

"We'd better get going or we are going to be too late for the late show," she said with a smile.

Brian smiled and laughed a little.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"You were barely able to keep your eyes open through dinner. Do you honestly think you can sit in a dark room for two hours and not fall asleep?"

She smiled a little embarrassed.

"You are exhausted, Olivia. And we have had a great night, but maybe I should take you home now."

"Okay," she whispered.

"Are you angry?" she asked as he parked the car in front of her apartment building.

"Not at all."

"I kind of ruined our plans for tonight."

"Liv, you didn't ruin anything. You work your ass off and you are tired. I understand."

"Thank you," she said leaning forward to kiss him. "I will make it up to you, I promise."

He smiled and kissed her slowly, but passionately.

"Come on, I'll walk you up."

She exhaled as Brian made his way around the car to open the door for her. He took her hand locking his fingers between hers and they walked slowly up the stairs to her apartment. He waited to make sure she got safely inside, then Olivia turned in the doorway to kiss him goodnight.

They kissed softly and slowly. Slowly and passionately. Passionately and intensely and before she knew it they were inside making their way down the hall toward her bedroom.

He laid her across the bed and fell over the top of her. They tossed their jackets into the floor beside the bed as hands wondered in the dark, feeling what the eyes couldn't see.

His kissed were strong and she had been yearning for a man to make her feel this way for so long. Before she knew it they were both topless and her dress laid crumpled in the floor beside their coats.

Olivia closed her eyes and trembled as he smoothed his hand slowly up under the black lace slip she wore and slipped off her panties. Then he kissed her again and the heat of his lips on hers made her gasp for air.

She turned her head to the side as he kissed slowly down the side of her neck and across the line of lace and satin the shimmery undergarment made against her skin. She felt him shift and raise up, then heard the clank of his belt as his pants hit the floor.

"I have waited so long for this," he whispered kissing her tenderly as he stared into her eyes.

"Brian wait," she gasped placing her palm against his chest and pushing him back.

"It's alright," he assured her, "I have a condom right here."

"No, it's not that. I…I don't want to do this tonight."

He stared blankly into her eyes trying to register what she was saying.

"I'm sorry," she gasped. "It's just….I am so tired. And it's late and I have to be to work so early and…."

She watched as he raised up and slid to the foot of the bed.

"We have been dating for three weeks, Olivia. And you have been avoiding sex like the plague."

He paused for a moment and she waited for him to continue.

"Look, I get that you didn't want it to be just sex, that you weren't looking for a hook up. But we have been in a relationship for three weeks. Dating, exclusively for three weeks. I am not trying to make this about sex, because it isn't. You mean much more to me than that. But sex is something that I want to share with you, something I want in my relationships."

He looked back to see that she was crying. Brian caught her eyes with his and just stared into her for a moment. Olivia watched as he began to shake his head.

"I am so stupid," he said standing and fumbling around in the dark for his pants. "I don't know how I thought things would be any different with him gone," he said as she gathered the sheet around her and continued to cry.

"I can't live like this! I can't keep competing with a man who is not even here, Olivia. I won't."

She looked at him with sad eyes.

"I know," she said softly.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me it isn't true. Tell me that you are here with me and that you are not still in love with him."

"I can't," she whispered. "I won't."

"You wont?"

"I won't lie to you. And I can't tell you what you want to hear because I don't know if it is true or not. I don't want to care about him anymore, Brian, but I just can't help it."

"Do you love him?"

"I don't know," she said burying her head in her lap in shame.

Brian watched her crying as he pulled his shirt back on and slipped on his coat.

"Look," he said as he exhaled feeling bad for making her cry, "I know you can't help the way you feel. But I have feelings for you….and those are real. I can't live my life on your back burner waiting to find out if Elliot Stabler is going to come back around or not. You either want me or you don't, Olivia. It shouldn't be that hard to decide. And if it is, then maybe we were never supposed to be together in the first place. But you need to decide what the hell it is you want and let me know. I care about you, but I won't be the fool who waits around for you forever."

"Brian, I'm sorry," she sobbed softly as she looked up at him.

"I know," he said before leaning to place a kiss on the top of her head.

Olivia laid alone in the bed and cried herself to sleep.

The next morning she was sitting at her computer sipping strong black coffee when Fin walked in. She didn't even notice him until he was standing beside her.

"How was the movie?" he asked startling her as she quickly closed out the internet page she was staring at.

"Um, we didn't actually see it. I was afraid I'd fall asleep in the theatre."

Fin laughed watching as she curled the corner of a piece of paper with her finger tip.

"What have you got there?" he asked leaning over as she flipped open the case file.

"I've just been going over these notes again. I can't get this out of my head," she said looking up at him and that was the first time he noticed how red and puffy her eyes were.

"You okay?"

"Yea, allergies," she assured him. "I have been miserable all morning."

"I have something for that," Munch said digging through his desk drawer and tossing her a bottle of little pink pills. "One of those will fix you right up."

"Thanks, Munch, but medications just make me drowsy. It will pass."

She handed the pill bottle back and moved across the room for her second cup of coffee. Fin shifted his eyes to the document she was trying to hide on the desk.

"You get any sleep last night?" he asked circling her desk to sit at his.

"Yea, some. Although I was so exhausted I am not so sure it was enough to help. I think I was too tired to sleep."

"I've been there."

"I'll be fine. Just as soon as my coffee kicks in."

He spent most of the morning half ass working and watching her as she struggled to focus her attention on her reports. Across the room, Munch sat watching the thirty or so hours of security video from two international airports. Fin could tell Olivia was having a hard time and was looking for the right moment to get her alone and drag the truth out of her.

"I can't take it anymore," Munch finally said standing from his desk. "I'm heading down to O'Rourk's for some lunch. You guys should come, I think we could all use the break."

"I'm right behind you," Fin said watching as Munch disappeared into the hall. "Liv?"

"I'll catch up with you guys. I want to work on this a little longer."

She studied her computer monitor as he grabbed his car keys and headed for the elevator, tossing an envelope onto the desk in front of her.

"What is this?" Olivia asked looking up at him.

"I was gonna give it to you a few weeks ago, then Cassidy entered the picture. We'll call it an early birthday present."

Olivia looked confused as she opened the envelope to reveal a plane ticket.

"A vacation?" she asked with a smile.

"Something like that," he replied as she flipped it over and realized her destination was Florida.

"Fin," she began to argue as she tried to hand it back.

"I know how hard you are trying to move forward, Liv. But you can't. Not until you confront your past and figure out what is going on between you and Stabler. I know you have days and the ticket is open ended and round trip. So take some time, think about it and do it when you are ready. But do it. No matter how it turns out, you will be better off with some closure. Hell, I've got some days. I'll even come with you if you want."

She smiled as tears began to well in her eyes once more.

"I don't know what to say."

"Say you will do this. That you will do what it takes to make yourself happy again. We are all like family here. You have always been like a kid sister to me, Olivia and I love you. You know that, right?"

"I do," she said with a smile. "And I love you, too."

"I would do anything for you and it has taken everything I had in me not to mess him up for breaking your heart."

She laughed a little.

"Seriously, if it hadn't been Elliot, I would have tore the guy up. But he, being a part of this family he especially should have known better than to pull a stunt like that. But you love him and it is out of respect for you that I didn't act on my anger toward him. That punk has lost the respect I once had for him."

"Fin, I understand why he did it. He has a wife and children. Responsibilities there, I get that."

"Then he never should have crossed the line here," Fin said as he stared into her eyes. "He lead you on, then he let you down. You are worth much more than you know."

Olivia stood and hugged him tight, burying her face into his chest.

"Thank you," she mumbled into him.

"You're welcome."


	5. 5) Rainy Days

_Shadows Of The Past_

_(Chapter Five: Rainy Days)_

Olivia laid across the large empty bed in her hotel room and stared at the ceiling. She exhaled and smoothed her hands over her face as she sat up and moved to examine herself in the bathroom mirror.

"I look like Hell," she said staring at the barely recognizable woman staring back at her.

She pressed her lips together and splashed her face with water in hopes of washing away the tear stains. After touching up her make up she grabbed her car keys and headed out the door.

"Left turn point three miles," the annoying voice from the GPS in her rental car announced as she slowed down to make the turn.

Olivia slowed down as she watched the numbers on the houses she passed. Suddenly, there it was. A two story white Colonial with a large front yard. And in the drive way sat Elliot's car.

She felt a knot in her throat and gulped as she stared down at the phone number on the scrap of paper in her hand. It wouldn't be that hard, to just call him and ask him to step outside and talk to her. It would be so easy. Just a simple phone call. Yet somehow, she just wasn't ready to do it.

Olivia shifted a bit and settled into her seat, leaning it back a bit to relax as quarter sized raindrops began to hit her windshield. Suddenly the one or two clouds in the sky had transformed into a solid wall of grey and thunder boomed shaking even the walls of the car she sat in.

Olivia exhaled again and reclined back in the seat turning her eyes up to watch the rain as it beaded up and rolled off and down the side of the car.

"This is this strangely relaxing," she said to herself and smiled as lightening reached out and hit the ground a few hundred yards away.

For two days she sat there, in a car just down the street from his house. Watching. Witnessing his new life. The life he chose. The life he chose, without her.

Olivia focused her attention on the child in the front yard. A small boy about 5 years old who looked just like his father in his little Yankees cap. And Elliot, tall and strong, beautiful as ever. Tossing a baseball and playing catch with Eli. Making her want him and hate him all with every breath he took. Making her miss him and regret ever knowing him all at the same time. Olivia had never felt such a wild mix of emotions in her life. Loving him was easy….hating him, however, had proven to be both physically and emotionally exhausting.

She jumped as her phone rang startling her.

"Hey beautiful," a soft voice said from the other end of the line.

"Brian," she said softly and couldn't help but smile at the thought of him. "I thought you were angry with me."

"I'm not angry, Olivia. I just…I care about you. And I want you to think this through, I want you to decide what you want, Olivia…because what I want more than anything is for you to be happy."

"You called me to tell me you wanted to be happy?" Olivia asked smiling again.

"Something like that."

"Something like that?" she repeated with a small laugh.

"How is Florida?"

"Hot."

"Still gotta be better than New York City. It was like thirty degrees here today."

"So you called to talk about the weather?" she asked with a sly tone.

"I called to hear your voice," he confessed and her heart skipped a beat. "I miss you."

Olivia closed her eyes and felt a tear slide down her cheek.

"Anyway, I just wanted to call and say hi. I will see you in a couple of days when you get back."

Olivia drew a deep breath and rolled her eyes to look up at Elliot still standing in his front yard.

"Brian?"

"Yes?"

She smiled uncontrollably.

"I miss you, too," she said softly.

"Take care of yourself," he said, "I will see you in a few days."

"Yea," Olivia replied softly.

She hung up the phone ending the call and took one more deep breath for courage. Suddenly she knew exactly what she had to do. She stared into her own eyes in the rear view mirror, then started the car and drove away.

It was late and she was soaked from head to toe from the continuous downpour when she stumbled up the stairs in the dark. She dropped her bag in the hall and fumbled with her keys finding the right one. Just as she slipped it into the lock, the door opened.

"I wasn't expecting you back for two more days," Brian Cassidy said putting his gun away.

"I couldn't stay away any longer. Two days seemed like forever," she confessed wrapping her arms tight around his neck and kissing him passionately.

Brian smiled.

"Did you find what you were looking for in Florida?"

"I did."

He watched as Olivia slid off her shoes and tossed her rain drenched jacket over a dining room chair.

"Did you talk to Elliot?"

She raised her dark eyes to meet the turquoise blue of his.

"Bri," she said softly as she shook her head. "I didn't come here to talk about Elliot." She said blinking a bit of hair from her eyes. "I had to talk to you. In person. Right now. It couldn't wait. I couldn't wait, any longer. I came here straight from the plane. To talk to you. To tell you the truth. To tell you that…."she gulped as she stared into him…. "to tell you that I love you. I love you, Brian. I am in love with you and I want to be here with you. Not in Florida chasing after someone who doesn't even want me. I though about it. I thought about it a lot. And at the end of the day when I am laying all alone in bed, it's you I find myself thinking about. It is you that I miss and I can't wait to talk to again. Because it is you that I love."

Brian smiled and slipped his hand up her jaw line as he kissed her tenderly.

"Let's get you out of these wet clothes and into bed before you catch pneumonia," he said in an almost fatherly tone.

Olivia smiled as she pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it aside. He watched as she made his way down the hallway toward his bedroom leaving a trail of her clothing the entire way.

That night they made love repeatedly for hours to the sound of the thunderstorm outside. And there they slept, together, nothing between them but the cool cotton of his bed sheets. Brian kissed the top of her head as he combed his fingers through the dark locks of her hair.

"I love you, too."

Olivia opened her tired eyes and smiled up at him.

"I have loved you for as long as I can remember," he whispered.

"You could have said something," she replied raising up to kiss him.

"No. I wanted you to make this decision for you. Because of how you felt, not because of the way I felt about you. But I do love you. I want you to know that. I love you very much and I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy. Making you smile."

Olivia couldn't help but smile at that. They were pretty amazing together.

"I was just thinking," he said as she yawned.

"Uh huh," she replied waiting for him to finish.

"You are off work for three more days."

"I am," she agreed.

"So lets go away together. Take a weekend for just you and I."

Olivia smiled.

"Where do you want to go?"

"Anywhere. Nowhere. It doesn't matter really as long as I get some time alone with my girl."

She smiled.

"You just called me your girl."

"Liv, we've been dating almost a month. Everyone knows you are my girlfriend."

"I know, but you have never called me your girl before."

"We could just get in the car and drive. And just drive until we feel like stopping. Then we will get a room somewhere. And lock the door and just be there, together. You and I. Alone. Without the work and the rest of the world interfering. We'll turn off our phones and get some much needed R & R time."

"We do need this. I know I do, anyway."

"We both do. I have some days saved up. And maybe then, when you are ready you can tell me what really happened in Florida."

"Brian, nothing happened. I just needed some time to think. I promise you, you have nothing to worry about."

"You don't want to tell me about it? I thought we didn't have any secrets between us."

"No secrets, I promise. And there is something I want to talk to you about," she said propping herself on her elbows to look at him in the dark, "but not tonight, okay?"

"Not tonight," he agreed kissing her tenderly. "It is late and we are both exhausted. Get some sleep baby. We'll leave first thing in the morning. And we can talk about anything and everything during our weekend escape."

"Okay," she agreed nervously as he kissed her once more.

"I love you," he said as she settled into him once more.

"I love you, too."


	6. 6) Escape

_**Author's Note**__**: Okay, so I played with Olivia's age a little bit. In this story I am guessing her to be probably in her late 30's. Probably around 37 or so. I tend to do this with my stories. I apologize if that annoys anyone, just thought I would warn you ahead of time. I also apologize for anyone who dislikes Brian Cassidy, his character will play a big role in this story, but fear not….Elliot Stabler is not gone for good. I promise El will come back into the story later to stir up some juicy drama. ;o) Hope you all enjoy it!**_

_**~ Detective Olivia Stabler ~**_

_Shadows Of The Past_

_(Chapter Six: Escape)_

Olivia watched him over her coffee cup as Brian rubbed the sleep from his eyes and inspected the endless buffet of breakfast foods she had prepared.

"I thought we were leaving first thing in the morning? I figured we would just pick up some breakfast on the way."

"I was thinking we could talk over breakfast."

"That's right, you had something you wanted to tell me. Is this about Florida?"

"Sort of."

"It's about Elliot?"

"It's about me," she said shifting her eyes afraid to look at him.

"Liv, honey, is everything okay? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Brian. I'm really fine. I'm just….pregnant," she whispered as he stared into her eyes.

"Pregnant?"

Olivia gulped and waited for him to register what she was saying to him.

"Pregnant? As in having a baby?"

He watched as she nodded.

"We are good, Liv. We are incredible together. But seeing as last night was the first time we have slept together in….thirteen years….I'm guessing that means this baby isn't mine?"

"Brian, I'm sorry. I am so sorry," she said as she began to cry.

"Calm down," he said softly wiping a stream of tears from her cheek. "I'm not mad. Just calm down and talk to me."

"I didn't mean for this to happen, I swear."

"I know. This is why you went to Florida?"

"No. I didn't know before….I took the test in my hotel room."

Brian took a drink from his own cup of coffee, then sat it down on the table in front of him.

"Did you tell him? It's Elliot's, right? Did you tell him about the baby?"

Olivia shook her head.

"I didn't talk to him," she whispered.

"But you found him?"

"Yes. I sat in a rental car outside his house. I saw him in the yard, watched him play ball with his little boy."

"And you didn't tell him you were pregnant with his child?"

"I though about it. I sat there for two days, parked outside his house. Trying to find the courage to talk to him. Trying to decide what to say to him, if I did. But he looked so happy. Laughing and smiling and playing with Eli. He was happy and I knew he had moved on. He was truly happy," she said looking at him. "And that was when I realized I was, too."

Brian smiled.

"I didn't tell him, because I wanted to keep being happy. I know how selfish that is. But I love you. I love you and I want to be with you. I want a life with you," she sobbed. "If you can ever forgive me. If you still want me."

Brian brushed his palm over her cheek wiping away more tears, then leaned forward to kiss her tenderly.

"Of course I still want you. I love you. And you didn't do anything wrong. You and Elliot were together long before you and I…."

"That's just it. We weren't together."

Brian smiled and laughed a little.

"Liv, it is pretty obvious that you were," he said pointing to her abdomen.

"I mean, we were never in a relationship. "We had a really bad day. A very long shift, a few months back. One of those days that leaves you feeling lost and wondering if you made the right choice all those years ago when you decided to go into this profession. We made a mistake. One little mistake and because of that our suspect walked."

"It happens sometimes."

"Yea. Our suspect was a seventeen year old kid. I promised I would keep the victim I would keep her safe. I promised her that we would get justice for her and put away the man who raped her. But we didn't. I didn't keep my promises. I failed to keep her safe."

"Liv…"

"The next day we were called….there was a DOA….a sexual assault, raped and beaten before he strangled her. The DOA, was our victim."

"He killed her?"

"He did. In the process of trying to bring him in….the kid pulled a gun. He would have killed me. Elliot was forced to shoot. He saved my life, but he killed the kid."

"Oh, man."

"Anyway, it was a long and hard shift. That night we had a couple of beers. One thing lead to another and we acted on feelings we had both been fighting for years. We spent one night together. Afterward I knew it was a mistake. I cried," she said forcing a smile as tears welled up in her eyes once more. "Elliot held me. He stared into my eyes and kissed me softly. Then he promised me that we were going to be okay. That we wouldn't let effect our friendship. That nothing between us would change," she said wiping her face with the back of her hand. "That was Saturday. Monday when I went in to work, Cragen pulled me aside to tell me that Elliot had turned in his resignation. He was gone and he wasn't coming back."

"Because of the shooting?"

"It was investigated and declared a clean shooting."

"Liv, I am sure it didn't have anything to do with you."

"Of course it did, Brian. He couldn't handle it. He couldn't look at me, work with me or think of me the same way he did before. I lost my partner and my best friend," she sobbed.

Brian knelt beside her and pulled her into his arms.

"I'm sorry you got hurt."

"I just miss him," she whispered. "Not because I slept with him and not because I am in love with him. It is you I am in love with."

"I know," he said with a smile.

"I just miss my friend. He was my family. I did something stupid. I screwed it all up. And I lost him. Now to find out that I am pregnant with his baby…." she exhaled. "My life is a train wreck."

"It doesn't have to be. Olivia, a baby is good news. This may not have been the way you would have chosen to do this. But you are having a baby. I have known you for a very long time and I happen to know that you have always wanted kids. And I know that you are going to be a wonderful mother."

"I don't want to tell Elliot. I don't want to tell him because I know he will come back. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to deal with him. Brian if I tell Elliot….I just started to get over the feeling of abandonment I was left with when he left. I can't bring him into this child's life just for him to disappear again when things aren't going his way. I know it is selfish. He has every right to know he has another child in this world, but I don't want him here. I don't want him in my life and I definitely don't want him around just because I have a baby."

"So don't tell him."

Olivia raised her eyes to look at him.

"You think I should deny this baby a father?"

"I will be the baby's father. You and I are the only ones who know the baby isn't mine. Everyone knows we have been dating for a while…."

"We weren't having sex."

"They don't know that."

"What are you saying?"

"I am saying I want you and I want this baby. I am asking you to let me be this baby's father. Let's do this, Olivia, you and I. I love you and you love me. Lets have this baby together. Raise this baby together. We will be our own family."

"Just like that?"

"Just like what?"

"I only told you I was pregnant ten minutes ago. This is a big deal, Brian. Don't you think we should at least take some time to think about it?"

"We? As in you?"

"As in me, yes. But also as in you. As in us. We have barely been dating a month. What makes you think our relationship is strong enough to build a family on? All I am saying is that this is a life changing event for both of us. Maybe we should take a little time to consider our options. To think about what it means to say that we are willing to raise a child together. Before we just jump in and say we are going to do it."

"Okay, so let's think about it. Let's think about spending our lives together and raising this baby as our son or daughter. Ours. Yours and mine. We will take a little time and think about this. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Do you still want to go away for a few days?"

Olivia raised her eyes and gazed into his.

"If you still want to go away with me."

Brian smiled.

"Of course I do."

Olivia smiled back.

"Then we'd better start packing."

He leaned forward and kissed her tenderly.

An hour later they were driving. Anywhere. Nowhere. Just driving. Together.

"It is really beautiful through here," Olivia said staring out the window.

"I love the way the fall leaves blow across the road as we pass through them. I love fall."

"It's my favorite season. Although as cold as it has been lately, it feels like it could snow any day now."

"It is late October," he said with a smile. "It is supposed to be cold. Thanksgiving is next month and Christmas is just around the corner. It is only going to get colder."

"Way to cheer me up," she laughed.

"This is exciting," he said looking over at her as he took her hand in his. "This baby news, you should be excited."

"I am. I'm excited."

"Nervous and scared. You are worried. Those are all natural reactions to an unplanned pregnancy. I get that, Liv. Those emotions I see from you. Happy and excited, not so much."

"It's just complicated. Brian, you wouldn't understand."

"But I'm trying to. I am trying desperately to hold on to what tiny little shreds of this relationship are left, Olivia. Because I love you. And I want to be with you. But it feels like you are shutting yourself off from me. I am trying so hard to be here for you, with you, for this baby and you are pushing me away."

"I don't mean to."

"I know."

"There are just so many questions, you know? I want to do what is best for this baby. But what if I am not what is best? I don't know anything about kids."

"You will learn."

"Yea. I just started to get over losing him. Losing my friend. I am still hurt and very angry at him, I didn't realize I was until I sat there and watched him. Going on, like I never mattered. Like I never even existed. And I realized how angry I was at him. I just got over him. And now….his child is growing inside of me. I am excited and I am happy that I am having a baby, Brian. But I also can't help but think that I don't want him in my life anymore. I don't ever want to see him again. But I know that when I tell him he is going to want to be there. He is going to want to be part of this baby's life."

"I thought we talked about this."

"Brian, I am pregnant. There are liable to be a lot of talks about this."

Brian kissed her hand.

"We still have several months to decide, to work out the details. Right now might be a good time to stop for some lunch. Take a little break and get out of this car for a little while. Stretch our legs."

"Sounds good," she replied with a smile.

After lunch they drove a few more hours. Olivia didn't realize she had fallen asleep until she opened her eyes just in time to the sunset in the rearview mirror.

"Hey Sleeping Beauty," Brian said with a smile reaching to hold her hand.

"Hey," she said as she stretched and sat up in the seat.

Olivia looked around them in the darkness.

"How long was I asleep?"

"A few hours. You looked so peaceful. I figured you could use the sleep."

She smiled and he leaned over to kiss her.

"Where are we?" she asked.

"I thought the entire point of this trip was to drive without destination."

"Right. Do you see any sign of civilization?" she asked looking out at the dark highway ahead of them.

"You have to pee, don't you?"

Olivia laughed a little and smiled a guilty smile.

"It's starting already," she confessed.

Brian smiled.

"Couldn't have anything to do with the big gulp you drank before you fell asleep," he replied. "According to the map, there is a town a few miles a up the road."

"The map?" she asked blinking her dark eyes at him. "I thought the entire point of this trip was to drive without destination?" she mocked.

Brian laughed.

"It is. I just wanted to make sure I didn't get us lost in unsafe territory. You're probably getting tired of being cooped up in this car. Why don't we stop here for the night?" he asked as they rounded a curve and entered small town.

"Sounds good to me," she said with a smile.

"We'll find a place to eat and I'll ask about hotels."

"As long as they have a bathroom, I'm happy."

Brian pulled the car into a truck stop with a small diner. Inside, he looked through a rack of post cards as he waited for Olivia to return from the restroom.

"There you are," he replied as she approached him. "How's my girl?"

"I'm good," she said as he kissed her and slipped his fingers between hers. "I got something for you," he replied handing her a small brown paper bag as the waitress sat their drinks on the table.

"What is it?"

"It's a gift. Open it."

Olivia opened the bag and reached inside.

"It's a shot glass."

"Some people collect them. You don't like it?"

"I do. I'm just not planning on doing much drinking in my current condition," she joked. "Thank you," she said leaning across the table to kiss him. "Connecticut," she said as she smoothed her fingertip across the gold letters on the glass. "Is that where we are?"

"Yea," he replied turning the glass around to show her the little map on the other side. "We are right about….here," he said pointing to an area in the middle of the glass.

"Oh, okay."

"And the lady at the counter told me about this nice little place a few miles out of town where you can rent cabins on the lake. I thought we could check into that if you are interested."

"Sounds nice," Olivia replied with a smile.

"You think so?"

"Yea."

"Good," Brian said with a smile. "I kind of already made a reservation."

"You did?"

"Yes, I did. I figured we could have dinner then get checked in and spend the rest of the evening curled up in bed watching movies together. Then tomorrow we can sleep late or get up early and watch the sunrise, if you want. And we can decide if we want stay another day or get back in the car and keep on driving."

"It sounds like a nice little place to escape for a while. Could be just what we are looking for."

"Could be," he said with a wink.

After dinner they followed the map their waitress had drawn on a napkin to get to the cabins. Upon arrival, Olivia wasn't too impressed with the tiny shack looking buildings set back in the trees. It was dark and an owl hooted overhead as they walked across the gravel parking area and toward the cabin that housed the office.

Olivia looked around noticing racks of canoes and a long table station for cleaning fish.

"I hope it doesn't smell like that in the cabins," she joked nervously.

"Like what? Fresh air?" Brian replied taking a deep breath to soak it all in.

"No, fish guts," she said wrinkling up her nose and trying to stay positive about the sweet attempt he was making at giving her the perfect weekend escape.

"I'll ask them for a cabin that doesn't smell like nature," he replied kissing her tenderly and taking her hand in his as they walked up the steps.

Inside an older couple who managed the property were really sweet, offering them baked goods and homemade candies. The woman explained that the cabins had been in her husband's family for years, but they had just completed renovations on them. She grabbed a set of keys and they followed her across the parking lot to cabin number seven.

"What do you think?" the woman asked turning on the lights as they stepped inside.

"I love the rustic look of the wood. It is really pretty," Olivia said.

The woman smiled.

"Kitchen is over there, you living area here. Two full bathrooms, one down here and one upstairs off the bedroom. And the patio doors open to a full deck that overlooks the lake. There is a barbeque grill out there, but be careful not to leave any food out unattended. It attracts the wild animals."

"Wild animals?" Olivia asked.

"Not bears or anything," the woman laughed and Olivia smiled. "Raccoons, mostly. Those little boogers will eat anything. And leave behind a huge mess. We also have a few skunks, possums and squirrels."

"They don't get into the cabins do they?" Olivia asked smiling once more.

"We've never had that happen before. But one year we did have a mama skunk have a litter under cabin three. That was a smelly mess. We had to call the game warden to have them removed."

"They didn't kill them, did they?"

"Oh, no. Took her and her new little family out to a wild life reserve about thirty miles from here and released them back into the wild. That way she could raise her little ones with out being disrupted by people."

"I think we will be just fine here," Brian interrupted before the women could start up a new conversation. "Thank you, ma'am," he said shaking the woman's hand as she nodded and backed out of the cabin. "She talks a lot."

"She is friendly."

"She overconversates."

"That is not even a word," Olivia replied with a grin. "And I like her. It is nice to meet genuinely friendly people. People back home are not like that."

"You're right, they're not."

"No, most people in the city don't go out of their way to say a kind word to anyone. Let alone be friendly for no reason at all."

"Welcome to the sticks, babe," he replied kissing her. "I'm gonna go pull the car around."

"Okay."

"Okay," he repeated. "I love you."

Olivia smiled.

"I love you, too."

Brian was carrying in their bags when he heard her squeal from upstairs.

"What's wrong?" he called out dropping the bags at his feet and rushing up the steps to find her fully clothed sitting in the bathtub.

"It has a garden tub with jets and a skylight," she said with a wink.

"A garden tub? That's it? You're not injured or bleeding to death? You didn't hit your head?"

"No," she replied.

"And the baby's okay?"

"As far as I can tell," she said placing her hand on her abdomen.

"You scared the hell out of me."

"I'm sorry. I just got a little bit excited."

"It's a bath tub."

"It's a Jacuzzi tub," she said making a pouty face. "And it's big enough for two."

Brian laughed.

"Yes, it is," he replied with a grin.

"Take a bath with me. We can run some warm water and turn on the jets….wash each other's backs and just be together, melting away stress. It will be so relaxing."

"Maybe in a little bit," he replied kissing her. "Right now I have to go pick up our stuff I left scattered in the floor where I dropped it to come up here and rescue you."

"Rescue me?"

"Yea, I thought a squirrel had gotten you for sure."

Olivia laughed.

"Maybe the couples bath would be better suited for the daytime anyway."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because this big window looks out over the lake and would be beautiful with the sunlight shining in. Right now it is too dark to see anything but stars."

"Stars. We don't get much of a chance to see those around Manhattan."

"There are a lot of things here that we don't see around Manhattan. Help me up," she replied as he took her hand and helped her from the bathtub. "I have to pee again."

That night, Brian fixed them popcorn and hot cocoa and they curled up together on the sofa to watch the fire. Outside a chilly autumn wind whistled through the trees and Olivia shivered.

"Are you cold?" he asked pulling a throw blanket from the back of the sofa and covering her.

"No, it just sounds so wicked out there. It hasn't been that cold and I only packed tee shirts."

"I'll keep you warm."

"Aww," she said with a smile as she placed a soft kiss on his lips.

"Seriously though, you can borrow something of mine. We can't have you catching a cold."

"This is nice," she said laying her head against his shoulder.

"Do you ever think about us? Long term, I mean. I know we talked about raising this baby together and the three of us being a family. But have you thought about what means for us as a couple?"

"I think about it, but…."

"But, what?"

"I don't know. It just seems a little soon to go setting plans in stone, don't you think? We have only been dating a little while. Don't get me wrong, I love being with you and I love the way things are with us."

"So do I. But someday I would like for us to be more."

"More?" she asked staring into his eyes.

"Olivia, I would love to marry you someday. To make our little family complete."

Olivia smiled nervously.

"So the thought has crossed your mind?" Brian asked.

"Yea, I've thought about it."

"And what do you think about it?"

"I think it sounds nice. But it is still really early in the relationship. Don't you think we should know a little more about each other before we start talking about getting married?"

"Olivia, we have known each other for years. We know we love each other."

"But Brian, don't you ever wonder if maybe love isn't enough? I mean, I have been in love before, in relationships where I honestly thought that was it. I was so sure that we could withstand anything….but we didn't. Looking back now, I'm happy for the way things turned out. If it had truly been that perfect with those other guys, Brian, I wouldn't be here with you now."

"So am I just another one of those guys?"

"No. This is different. You and I, what we have is so much stronger. So much more than I have ever felt with anyone else, ever before."

"Even Elliot?"

"Elliot and I were different. We cared about each other. We loved each other, but we weren't in love. We shared something really incredible."

"Yea?"

"And we ruined it with sex. Elliot and I were never meant to be any more than friends. But you and I…"

"Are pretty great at all of it. And when I say I love you, I really mean it."

"So do I."

"Olivia, I wanted this when we were together before. But somebody was just looking to hook up," he said with a smile as he kissed her.

"I know that I hurt you then. And I am so sorry, that was never my intention."

"I know that. But even then I knew I was a little bit head over heels in love with you. Do you blame me? You're smart and sexy and beautiful and an amazing person to boot. I guess I was just hoping you would give me a chance."

Olivia smiled.

"At that time, where I was in my life….a relationship just wasn't something I was looking for. I didn't realize, that night in the bar, that you were hoping for something more. Or that your feelings for me were real. I never would have gone home with you if I did."

"Then maybe it's better you didn't know. That night was incredible."

"It was," she agreed with a smile. "But I wouldn't have let it happen if I had known I was leading you on."

"I knew. I knew that wasn't what you were looking for when we walked out of that bar. But I wanted you so bad I didn't care."

Olivia smiled.

"I guess I was just hoping that I was wrong. Or that I could convince you to give it a shot."

She laughed a little and stared into his eyes.

"People aren't usually looking for a long term relationship when they pick someone up in a bar. I was fickle. That has always been one of my faults. I don't always know what I want. And sometimes I don't realize just what I had until it is too late."

"You do realize that we could have already been married with a couple of kids by now, right?"

She smiled nervously at the mention of the 'M' word.

"I don't mean to pressure you into anything. I just want to be honest with you about what I am thinking. Someday, I would like to make you my wife."

"Someday?"

"Someday. So you be thinking about that. Maybe between now and then you can get used to the idea and we can get to know all of those things we don't already know about each other. Right now, I think things are pretty wonderful the way they are."

"You do?" she asked raising up and leaning in for a kiss.

"I do. I know you're a little gun-shy about the whole marriage thing. And you are right, it is a big step. It is something I would love to experience with you. But it is soon. And I don't want to jump into anything that you are not ready for. So I will wait. Good things in life are worth waiting for. And you, my love, are a very good thing. When I do get married, I want it to be to the one person I intend to spend the rest of my life with. That is a big promise to make. So take all the time you need. If and when you do decide that you are ready, I want you to be one hundred percent sure that I am the fool you want to be stuck with for the rest of your life."

Olivia smiled and kissed him again.

"I am one hundred percent positive that I love you more than any man I have ever known. And if there has ever been anyone that I would consider spending the rest of my life with….it's you. We just have so much going on right now. And I just need a little time to consider it, that's all. I'm having a baby, I have to stop going around making sporadic decisions that effect the rest of my life. It isn't just about me anymore. There is this tiny little person inside of me and every choice I make will also effect him or her for the rest of their life. What if we move to fast? What if we hurry down the aisle, just to realize that we are not right for each other? I know that there are more big decisions that you and I both have to make before this baby arrives, but not everything has to be decided right now. We do still have some time to think about what is best for this baby and what is best for us. Right now, I think the best thing for us to do is just take advantage of our time alone as a couple. Spend every moment we can together and get to know everything about one another. And enjoy just being together as a couple. Because once this baby is born…."

"We may never get alone time again."

Olivia laughed.

"We will. It just probably wont be very often. And having a baby puts a lot of stress on a relationship. The added expense and lack of sleep. On top of the jobs we already have. If you really want to do this with me," she began as she slipped her fingers between his and stared at them, "then we need to focus on building our relationship as strong as we possibly can from the start so that we can withstand the stress of the world around us."

"Olivia, I think together we could withstand anything."

"I hope you are right."

Things seemed so peaceful at their new hideaway that they decided to spend the remainder of the weekend there. They walked a hiking trail in the woods and ventured out on the lake in a row boat. Things were so quiet and peaceful here with the beautiful colors on the fall leaves and the smell of the crisp autumn breeze. Afterward, he lit a few candles and ran a bubble bath for two and they just soaked away all of their cares.

That night, Brian cooked steaks on the grill while they relaxed together on the glider swing and watched the sunset. After dinner, the made s'mores over the grill and watched the fire burn out before heading inside for an intimate evening for two.

Early the next morning Olivia laid curled up against him in bed. Brian was sleeping soundly until she nudged him in the side.

"What? What's wrong?" he asked startled and only half awake.

"I just heard a noise downstairs."

He rolled over and stared at her in the darkness.

"Baby, we are over a hundred miles from the city and out in the middle of nowhere. You are probably just being paranoid. Maybe you are just not used to all of this quiet, turn the TV on for noise. It will help you sleep better."

"Brian, I am serious, I heard a noise."

"Like what kind of noise?" he exhaled rubbing his hands over his face.

"Like someone breaking in kind of noise. I don't know."

"Do you really think we would have a prowler all the way out here? What is there to steal?"

Just then there was a louder noise and a crashing sound.

"See, I told you. Will you go look? Please?"

She watched as he climbed from the bed in his underwear and stumbled across the room. He slipped on his jeans from the floor and riffled through his duffel bag.

"You wait here," he replied pulling a hand gun from the bag.

"You brought your service weapon?"

"My off duty weapon. Just in case. And right about now I am betting you are pretty glad that I did."

"I am," she agreed.

Olivia tied her robe shut and tiptoed out into the dark hallway behind him. Things were just fine until the stair she stepped on creaked and Brian spun around pointing the gun at her.

"What are you doing out here? I told you to wait in the bedroom."

"Yea, that's not going to happen."

"Fine, just stay behind me."

Olivia agreed with a nod as she followed him down the stair case. Morning was just beginning to break and a grayish haze covered everything in sight. Daylight was barely visible and Olivia could see shadows moving around as they approached the kitchen.

Brian stopped and raised his hand, signaling for her to fall behind and wait for him here. She stepped back into a shadow in the corner of the living room and listened as he entered the kitchen.

Brian flipped on the light and there was another loud crash. She waited nervously in the shadows until he called out to her.

"Liv, come here, quick!"

Confused, she stepped into the room just in time to see two large deer leap from the deck and dash back toward the woods. He looked back at her and smiled. Olivia's heart was pounding so wildly she thought it might explode.

"It was just deer?" she asked.

"I don't think they were alone," Brian replied turning on the porch light to reveal garbage scattered all over the deck.

"I thought you took care of the trash."

"I bagged it up and put it in the can. I even made sure the lid was on the can good. Things were just fine until Rocky and Bullwinkle came along."

Olivia laughed.

"What?" he snapped as she knelt down to help him clean up the mess.

"Nothing, never mind."

"No," he said and couldn't help but laugh as well. "Tell me what is so damn funny."

"Those were deer."

"Yes, I know. I got a pretty good look at them as they took off."

"Bullwinkle was a moose."

Brian smiled.

"And Rocky, a squirrel," she continued. "While that is possible, this looks more like the work of a couple of crafty raccoons."

"She's right," the man from the front desk said as he stepped around the corner. "I heard the commotion and figured I'd make sure you city folk were alright. Looks like you didn't get the lock on there good," he replied looking at garbage bag shredded and trash scattered on the lawn.

"Lock?" Brian asked.

"On the cage," he said pointing to a wire box with a pad lock on it.

"You lock your garbage in a cage?" Brian asked.

"Only way to keep the damn critters out."

Brian looked at Olivia as she shrugged.

"I tied the bag and made sure the lid was on the can good."

"They will chew their way in if they have to. The cage is the only thing I have found that works. But make sure you lock the lock, they can still get it open if you don't. They are smart little shits."

"We are so sorry," Olivia replied.

"I'll make sure we get it all cleaned up," Brian said.

"Apparently they have deer, too," Olivia replied.

"Yes. You see them mostly at dusk and first thing in the morning. They come all the way up around the deck and eat the pine cones and acorns that fall from the trees. My guess, they were eating out of the planters and the raccoons helped themselves to an all you can eat garbage can buffet."

They moved quickly re-bagging the trash, then locked it inside the cage.

"I have never been anywhere you had to lock up your garbage," Brian said shaking his head as the padlock clicked shut. "On the up side, we finished clean up duty just in time to watch the sunrise together."

Olivia smiled as he patted the seat next to him on the glider. She sat down and laid her head against his chest as they watched.

"It is so pretty. It looks completely different than it does at home. Almost hard to believe that is even the same sun."

"I know," he replied kissing her tenderly as birds began to sing their early morning song. "You want me to make us some breakfast?"

"Maybe later," she replied with a yawn. "I don't think I am quite ready to start my day yet. This is supposed to be a vacation after all."

"True. We could climb back in bed and sleep a few more hours. And later I could make you breakfast in bed."

"Maybe hit the shower before going back to bed," she suggested. "I love you, but you stink."

"Me? I'll admit I am a little dirty, but I do believe that smell is coming from you."

Olivia laughed.

"We both stink!"

"Come on," he replied helping her from the swing, "I'll wash your hair for you."


End file.
